Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
