Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize