It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
