My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
