So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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