We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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