I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize