i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
