I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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