I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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