I CAN MOONWALK!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
No subtext here. People are naked.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
