Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
