i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
