I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
