if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
