I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
