who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
