i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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