im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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