i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Why did my mother make you get naked?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
