True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
