i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
