I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
