why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
