I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
