I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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