9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
