He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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