No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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