Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
