apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
