at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize