Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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