I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
