Pants 0. Shit 1.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
