I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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