Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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