I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
