I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
