New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
