I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Ketchup is God's man juice
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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