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you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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