I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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