2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
