Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
