I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
