so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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