12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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