How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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