...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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