Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
