Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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