I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
