Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize