stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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