You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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