I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
That reminds me...we need to get swords
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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