party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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