Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize