i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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