I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Vodka?
Forever.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
