Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
