I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
